Very brief descriptions of what I feel/want in love and friends right now.
-- Love --
Been a bit of wild child now. Not in looks or behaviors, but in the state of mind. Need to free myself even further, into the deep deep core of all sorts of values.
Need a partner who's extremely sensitive and sentimental (yeah, and childlike and energetic and direct and honest and funny and having a complex personality). Needless to say my current prototype is Robbie Williams, or some sort of Tristan Ludlow. Robbie has this unbelievable resemblance to the recent ex of mine. Is it because of that I love Robbie this much? Or is it because of that I miss my ex this much? I don't know. Could both be true.
Not that I have any energy to handle a relationship right now. I haven't felt it for a long time. Haven't felt like I want to be in love. There is not one single person that makes me think I MUST leave the current single life to be with him. All the guys are sort of 'good, nice, fun to be with if I get a chance, but it's also fine if there's no chance at all'.
Some say that when you have more than one choice, then none of them is your true love. Yeah, I guess that's true. And I hate to see the feud that could emerge because of me. I just feel bad turning a pair of good friends into enemies, love and support into resentment.
What didn't work out with the 1st? Well he was practically a child, longing for a mother to take care of him. So I really don't think that was gonna last anyway. There was not much he could really deal with. (at least from my own perspective) All the stress I had to take on my own shoulders (plus some of his own stress), all the troubles I had to deal with by myself. That is too much a girl can take in a relationship, not to mention marriage. I mean I appreciate it that he loves me very much, but I was not happy while I was with him, that's all.
What didn't work out with the 2nd? I don't know really. He was just so mean, self-centered and dogmatic. (again, these are all my personal opinion) He would go, 'you must be thinking about marriage' even if I said no and indeed I was not. I think he's a bit hallucinating about all the things and who I was and he could never listen to what I said. He decided by himself, 'okay you're upset because of so and so' even if the true reason was not that. Huh, it's over and I'm glad it's over. The end of this relationship is the best thing that ever happened to me in my whole life.
What didn't work out with the 3rd? We were meant to part anyway, since we lived in two different worlds. We both had problems of our own, and we were not strong enough to tear down the barrier between these two worlds. It was beautiful though. We were positive about each other, even until now. I think that released me a great deal from the past negativity and it led me into a new world which is fantastic (which I'm still enjoying now).
Anyway, I've been longing to meet someone like Robbie and hopefully get a chance to carry it out as a relationship to see if it's a good fit for me. During these past two years, my thoughts about a good fit have changed a lot. What seemed to be good before doesn't seem appropriate anymore now. Freedom.... I believe God is watching me and He will give me what He wants to give me. And I'll get to understand more about myself and 'things in life' once I get myself through those lessons.
-- Friends --
I've become very judgemental on people I met. Occasionally I feel confused why they want to hang out with me. I mean, there's no connection. It's quite obvious. And why do you want to hang out with a person like me that's so out of your league? Huh, wanna steal my shine? I hate to think in that way, because that would sound like I do have some shine at all.
In any case, I feel being taken advantage of. It's like I'm some sort of symbol that boosts their self esteem. 'Look, Jessie is my friend, so you guys should respect me and think I'm cool'. I'd be like, 'Huh?' I don't want to be used as a means that makes people look or feel cool. If you want to be cool, become cool yourself, don't use me. DON'T USE ME. That is so NOT what a friend's for.
Or more often they can't live a life on their own. They have to have a person beside them so that they can carry on normal functions in their lives. Can't eat alone, can't shop alone, can't stay home alone, can't go to the movies alone, can't go to the museums alone. Again I feel being taken advantage of. Like I need to take care of them, live their lives for them. And that is just insane. I am not a mom nor a girlfriend nor a husband nor any other kind, why should I take this responsibility to take care of a nobody-to-me?
So I've become very picky on friends now, a lot of times too picky. I don't like people that want to take any advantage of me (no matter substantial or mental), I don't like people who love to intrude my privacy (how many hours I sleep everyday, what time I go to school, what time I go to bed, have I eaten breakfast, what I eat for dinner....etc. I mean...... URGH!!!!), I don't like boring people (can't even realize it when a joke is being told, when I'm trying to do something funny all they can do is to frown and tell me to stop. Man, do they turn me off and freak me out....). There are too many sorts of people I don't like right now, so...... I guess I'm better off living my life alone. (what conclusion is that?!)
Anyhow, these are some very temporary and shallow reflections on my social life right now. Quick sketch. And now it's done so I'll stop here.