目前日期文章:200610 (7)

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Robbie 的新專輯終於出了。我還在等從英國寄來的 CD,不知道什麼時候才會收到,哀,早知道就預購,可能會比較快。

這張走電子舞曲路線(大致的分類啦),我覺得滿酷的。歌詞還是一樣 offensive,有惹一些人不高興(我看到新聞的時候在想:恩,先生小姐們,你們難不成是不認識 Robbie 嗎?He's always been offensive........)和以前的路線都不一樣,但是還是有很鮮明的 Robbie 風。

Rudebox 我覺得歌很不錯,但是 MV 做得有點廉價,而 Lovelight 剛好相反,只聽歌的話會覺得那是一個 pervert 在唱,旋律也沒啥特別之處,不過配上 MV 就會很有感覺(我還滿喜歡這支音樂錄影帶)。之後聽歌可能要把 MV 一併放在腦中感覺才會比較好。

Rudebox:


Lovelight:

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Like I promised
This is for you
Before they call you in
Unreachable for two full years

Tiny island
Very nice manners
Purity
Turned into blushes

I liked very much

That dimension we both seek
Really is there
I smiled
And smiled
And smiled

And then you smiled too

No need to hide
Told everybody about a good time
Enjoyable and lovely
Nice sharing it always was

Happy is the word
For whatever kind of life
You are going to live
And it will be me too
Who thinks about you just right
Remembering you as the younger self
So simple and sweet and trusting
Living all over again

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這緩緩上坡 我想妳是記得的吧
路上的蘋果樹 散步的戀人們
一開始有座白色小屋
走到盡頭了 便看見淺淺的綠池塘

妳的手掌始終冰涼
我的心跳越來越發燙
妳問我這裡有否與從前不同
我說戀人少了 小屋舊了
只有綠池塘還是同樣清澈安詳

妳想知道些什麼呢
牽著妳的手 我寧願不看前方
見妳側臉微微思索 或開懷歡笑我的傻
妳可知這就是我的全心所想
路 一直一直走 願它長得沒有盡頭 沒有他方

**

人群稀落 不如以前擾攘
但你握著我的溫度仍和以前一樣
細碎小事 此時令人鑽牛角尖 不停不停轉圈圈
深怕一點點疏忽便使我夢醒淚滂沱
再也回不到 我穿越混沌泥濘而來的這美好故鄉

他們看得見我嗎 看不見我嗎
其實又何曾重要了嗎
肩並肩 前方彷彿不再是前方
就永遠走著 永遠的瞥見對方 如此笑容盪漾

我冰冷 破敗 只有半分形體
但 我在你身旁

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石般的我的桌 就這樣有了花般的明亮
愛看妳偎著我的窗 倚在我的牆
如何思慕 也捨不得碰妳一下

妳可發現這裡沒了該有的變化
沒了時間 沒了晝夜 光不入 塵不積
只有我的灰色內心和鎮日烏雲一樣

出土的似是我一般
怔怔望著自己的地方
等待太溺人 我竟從未真正認識這桌這牆

終究是 妳若不綻放 它也不會綻放的吧

**

我這一去究竟幾月幾年
你可曾忘記我嗎
櫃上多了幾本書 椅上散了幾張稿
我的心神 如今在這裡見實

捨不得睡去 將那些魍魎扛在背上也罷
小小斗室 讓我好好端詳 細細思量
餘光瞥見你淺笑的臉頰
一瞬間 什麼足夠 什麼不夠 我竟惶惶沒有了主張

整調的灰 見不著陽光 卻也墮不入黑暗
書對你來說是什麼 稿對你來說又是什麼
晝一如夜 夜一如晝
什麼樣的生活呢 使你如今既冷峻又脆弱

告訴我吧
告訴我 定不是傷痛使你憔悴的吧

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  • Oct 18 Wed 2006 12:49
  • 公告

這個地方我還是會放些文章,至少舊的系列會把它們完成,明年夏天不會再續約,也許會少寫些內心話就是了。

最近請安靜享受天氣變冷。還有,很歡迎大家來看我的文,可是不要把它當作任何工具或手段,也不需要跟我不熟裝熟,或太刻意的想要接近我變成我的「好朋友」好像在爭取什麼獎項榮耀一樣,我極端不喜歡被當作滿足莫名其妙自信不足的工具。友誼必須自然且舒服,不要把我當成一項物品來狩獵。謝謝。

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秋天了。不是我最喜歡的季節,但是夏秋的轉換卻是我最喜歡的季節轉換之一,也在享受這種微涼中包覆的溫暖。

最近一直不太知道要怎麼描述自己的感覺,甚至連怎麼去感覺好像都有點迷惘。我覺得我在很快的變動,來到另一步階梯下面等著要翻上去。要翻上去,自然是需要一些原本沒有的東西的,並且也不代表原本的東西就是空的。這大概可以大略勾勒出我現在的狀態:我不憎恨我的過去,也不憎恨已經累積的我,只是,變動的時節到了,很自然的,一切就是應該這樣發生。

因此,不是真的不知道該怎麼描述,不知道該怎麼感覺。要沿用過去的那一套自然是可以的,只是流於不再適切了,所以,要找新的。

仍舊在修心。我的恐懼好像是洋蔥般的,剝完一層又有一層,隱藏在太多地方,偶然才會發現「啊,原來這個東西也是恐懼啊」。好在現在我已經可以控制它了。慢慢的,我對自己不堅強不完美的地方,越來越坦然並欣喜的接受,這就讓各種情緒起伏像是表面波紋般的從我的身體通過。過了,也就過了,不留下很多痕跡。

對環境越來越熟悉,有一種安適感。對人越來越願意擁抱,不再會患得患失,也比較主動,擔心得很少。大部份時間,用著我疑似過動的精力在活動著,間或夾雜些白爛的話語,覺得這樣真好,天空都是晴朗無雲的。

人生何必太聰明,大智若愚自有它清澈的快樂之處。看透,就開懷。

時間有了節奏感,食物有了它的美味,世界有了色彩。日復一日,我漸漸「感覺」到了自己,和周遭。我體會了生活,覺得自己從未有過這種和很多尋常事物都如此貼近如此親密的感覺。發怒自然是有的,但是不會過度苛責別人或自己。什麼都是自然的,當眼和心都看透了看廣了,那麼,什麼爭執,什麼堅持,都是當然可以存在,無須太過厭惡的。此時體諒就變成另一種更深沉的包容,越來越自然,越來越感受不到,但是也越來越舒適。

不單指對人的體諒,而是一種本質上的體諒。體諒人,體諒己,體諒世事。

同時照顧了自己和別人的情緒,同時理解了自己和別人的立場。這和以前壓抑自己剝奪自己,以求別人完滿的情況,真是不可同日而語了。從混亂,到定調,到定調而溫和,這一路上的風景是極為精彩的。

有時心血來潮我會深呼吸,不管是走在路上,或是坐在家裡。深呼吸感受自己的身體,原來是那麼基礎的和諧感。

還在等著衝破繭去翱翔。我知道自己屬於天空,屬於自由,屬於大片海洋草原,而且我會飛得很好。磨練翅膀雖然是很辛苦的,但是都值得。將來若還有什麼磨練,我也會用一樣怡然的心情去設法面對的。

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I wrote this some time last month, I don't remember when. It looks unfinished, but I think it's interesting to just post it as is.

**

This is gonna be a random fragmented mumbling of what I'm feeling and thinking recently. There might not be correlation between paragraphs.

I need to be alone.

Reading friends' blogs with daily activities, I still feel empty. In a good way though. At least I don't feel people are constantly peeping me. Secure again.

I'm aspiring to something higher, just a little bit beyond my reach. Who am I? I wish I could answer this question. I bump here and there and I get to know so many people. I love knowing them, but this has become one of my burdens. It's a conflict to my 'me time' needs. Interacting with them often leaves me emotionally drained.

This has led me to believe I will most probably end up single through my life. I'm not afraid, it's just this might sound a bit too cold a life to live. There are actually people who are interested in me and are willing to listen to me and support me, but I don't feel the same way towards them. A lot of times, I feel I'm so ungrateful. But you can't force your heart. Has some very important part of my heart died years ago? Well I hope not, but it looks very much like so.

I just want somebody who understands me and who can share my life and feelings in the way I want them to be shared. Not some 'ordinary' people only looking at appearances and degrees and money and all those comparisons. I want somebody who understands the various sides of me: smart/dumb, happy/sad, outgoing/insecure, receiving/giving, angry/loving.... all the ingredients. So that I won't be too tired worrying about them feeling worthless, feeling that they don't measure up to me. I am just tired of that. Almost every time a certain guy interacts with me, he's essentially taking away some energy from me to fulfill himself. So I get extremely worn out by these interactions. And it made me lock myself up even more.

I want true love. There might not be one single solution to true love, so why not just give me one of them?

There are certain people that leave marks in my heart even though I let them out of my life. Sometimes I wonder what they think of me. I know I don't care that much, I'm just wondering. A lot of things were unsaid. I'd like to hear them if I get a chance, but I guess they are better left unsaid.

Life is so mysterious. You wait and wait and something happens that you thought is the end of your wait. But no. It's the beginning of your transformation and another long wait. You face your hidden fears, and it turns out what you used to fear and awe was nothing worth your attention. You get confused, maybe disappointed. Then you look at yourself again, in a new way. Then you evaluate the whole situation, and you leave. You set off for something greater. You realize that very something is not what you thought it is, rather, it is there so that you can gain another view of 'who you are'.

Some people are deceitful, some are true. I guess I'm a bit lost now, but I'm not panicking. Actually I don't really care. Nothing's at stake anyway. I'm strong enough to see things happen and fade away, so what's the big deal?

By the way, I meant to say that The Springs is the town where Jackson Pollock and his wife Lee Krasner lived on Long Island. Their house is still there now, and I'm looking to visit it someday. That is the place where Pollock got his breakthrough and did all those astonishing abstract paintings. (Well, technically, it is not entirely due to The Springs, those winded roads he took under different artists' influences before he moved to that small town were also important. Without those, he wouldn't have done those works that he's best known with. But I digress here.) I like this simple name. I'm naming my blog The Springs out of my admiration for Pollock (and resonance) and also because I like the word 'spring'. As a season, it's quite pleasing, and as a hot spring, it's a warming experience in the winter. Both meanings are nice imagery.

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