I wrote this some time last month, I don't remember when. It looks unfinished, but I think it's interesting to just post it as is.
This is gonna be a random fragmented mumbling of what I'm feeling and thinking recently. There might not be correlation between paragraphs.
I need to be alone.
Reading friends' blogs with daily activities, I still feel empty. In a good way though. At least I don't feel people are constantly peeping me. Secure again.
I'm aspiring to something higher, just a little bit beyond my reach. Who am I? I wish I could answer this question. I bump here and there and I get to know so many people. I love knowing them, but this has become one of my burdens. It's a conflict to my 'me time' needs. Interacting with them often leaves me emotionally drained.
This has led me to believe I will most probably end up single through my life. I'm not afraid, it's just this might sound a bit too cold a life to live. There are actually people who are interested in me and are willing to listen to me and support me, but I don't feel the same way towards them. A lot of times, I feel I'm so ungrateful. But you can't force your heart. Has some very important part of my heart died years ago? Well I hope not, but it looks very much like so.
I just want somebody who understands me and who can share my life and feelings in the way I want them to be shared. Not some 'ordinary' people only looking at appearances and degrees and money and all those comparisons. I want somebody who understands the various sides of me: smart/dumb, happy/sad, outgoing/insecure, receiving/giving, angry/loving.... all the ingredients. So that I won't be too tired worrying about them feeling worthless, feeling that they don't measure up to me. I am just tired of that. Almost every time a certain guy interacts with me, he's essentially taking away some energy from me to fulfill himself. So I get extremely worn out by these interactions. And it made me lock myself up even more.
I want true love. There might not be one single solution to true love, so why not just give me one of them?
There are certain people that leave marks in my heart even though I let them out of my life. Sometimes I wonder what they think of me. I know I don't care that much, I'm just wondering. A lot of things were unsaid. I'd like to hear them if I get a chance, but I guess they are better left unsaid.
Life is so mysterious. You wait and wait and something happens that you thought is the end of your wait. But no. It's the beginning of your transformation and another long wait. You face your hidden fears, and it turns out what you used to fear and awe was nothing worth your attention. You get confused, maybe disappointed. Then you look at yourself again, in a new way. Then you evaluate the whole situation, and you leave. You set off for something greater. You realize that very something is not what you thought it is, rather, it is there so that you can gain another view of 'who you are'.
Some people are deceitful, some are true. I guess I'm a bit lost now, but I'm not panicking. Actually I don't really care. Nothing's at stake anyway. I'm strong enough to see things happen and fade away, so what's the big deal?
By the way, I meant to say that The Springs is the town where Jackson Pollock and his wife Lee Krasner lived on Long Island. Their house is still there now, and I'm looking to visit it someday. That is the place where Pollock got his breakthrough and did all those astonishing abstract paintings. (Well, technically, it is not entirely due to The Springs, those winded roads he took under different artists' influences before he moved to that small town were also important. Without those, he wouldn't have done those works that he's best known with. But I digress here.) I like this simple name. I'm naming my blog The Springs out of my admiration for Pollock (and resonance) and also because I like the word 'spring'. As a season, it's quite pleasing, and as a hot spring, it's a warming experience in the winter. Both meanings are nice imagery.