目前日期文章:200608 (10)

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Should I
Or should I not
Write a poem about you

You know quite well how to hurt people
Acting like you were totally popular

Boy
The truth is
I gave you a chance
And you messed with it

Not serious
But honest
I tried

What about you and her
And why does it have anything to do with me
Sweet little boy
Don't you know you are far too young
To play games with me

You will never win

Ah
So I really don't know what to say
I will never see you again anyway
You think you know love
Really cute thought
So I'll leave you alone then

Maybe, as I figured
You were just too dumb
Too naive
Or lonely
In whatever way

I don't hate you and I don't resent you
Just want to say
Take care
'Coz I'm stepping into the fabulous unknown
Wish me luck
And thanks again
For those good short summer days

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  • Aug 26 Sat 2006 12:44
  • Now

Now is an ambiguous word
As if we all know what it refers to
Same goes with a million other words
That help weave the net we live in

We are so insecure
That we'd rather be struggling
Through the tangles
Than just take off those ropes
To breathe

Everyday
You wake up and go live your day
Without asking any questions
You freak out when
I talk to you about philosophy
Or when I seek simple answers from you, like
What does the Kalman Filter do

Sweet Darling
What exactly are you afraid of
That makes you so hostile to me
Everything that happened happened for a reason
What is yours then
Do you know they are talking
Talking about you and me
Are you interested at all
About what they say or what I say

Do you miss me when I'm gone
Guess not
Since you got those photos of wisdom and friendship
You will bury yourself with your lies
A successful man, I foresee
Whatever suits you, anyway
It had been wrong since the very first day you took me out for a ride

Now I'm doing pretty good
With all the things you were never able to give me
And all the things you ever gave me
Thank God they are gone
Do I pray, then
What a silly little question

Of course I do
As to what I pray for
I would say
Honey, why bother
It is not something you would ever appreciate or comprehend

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Don't worry. I'm not gonna kill myself. Just thought this is a nice poem.

**

I have done it again.
One year in every ten
I manage it--

A sort of walking miracle, my skin
Bright as a Nazi lampshade,
My right foot

A paperweight,
My face a featureless, fine
Jew linen.

Peel off the napkin
O my enemy.
Do I terrify?--

The nose, the eye pits, the full set of teeth?
The sour breath
Will vanish in a day.

Soon, soon the flesh
The grave cave ate will be
At home on me

And I a smiling woman.
I am only thirty.
And like the cat I have nine times to die.

This is Number Three.
What a trash
To annihilate each decade.

What a million filaments.
The peanut-crunching crowd
Shoves in to see

Them unwrap me hand and foot--
The big strip tease.
Gentlemen, ladies

These are my hands
My knees.
I may be skin and bone,

Nevertheless, I am the same, identical woman.
The first time it happened I was ten.
It was an accident.

The second time I meant
To last it out and not come back at all.
I rocked shut

As a seashell.
They had to call and call
And pick the worms off me like sticky pearls.

Dying
Is an art, like everything else.
I do it exceptionally well.

I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I've a call.

It's easy enough to do it in a cell.
It's easy enough to do it and stay put.
It's the theatrical

Comeback in broad day
To the same place, the same face, the same brute
Amused shout:

'A miracle!'
That knocks me out.
There is a charge

For the eyeing of my scars, there is a charge
For the hearing of my heart--
It really goes.

And there is a charge, a very large charge
For a word or a touch
Or a bit of blood

Or a piece of my hair or my clothes.
So, so, Herr Doktor.
So, Herr Enemy.

I am your opus,
I am your valuable,
The pure gold baby

That melts to a shriek.
I turn and burn.
Do not think I underestimate your great concern.

Ash, ash--
You poke and stir.
Flesh, bone, there is nothing there--

A cake of soap,
A wedding ring,
A gold filling.

Herr God, Herr Lucifer
Beware
Beware.

Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air.


(23-29 October 1962)

From Lady Lazarus @ The Academy of American Poets

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其實我,是很戲劇化的一個人。或者應該說,我的情緒呈現,很戲劇化。

有時候發現自己的情緒會像滾雪球一樣越滾越大越厚,原本一件單純的觸發事件被我在心裡和八竿子打不著的不相干舊帳全部都牽在一起,然後荒謬絕倫的言語和形容詞就源源不絕的一直湧出,被我默默的表演好幾次,每一次都是翻修過的劇本,材料更多,詞彙更斟酌,戲劇性更強。

以前沒有發現時,會放任自己就一直這樣演下去,不管是悲情還是憤怒還是兩者都有,就一直一直演下去,演到不可收拾無法控制。現在有警覺了,覺得這實在是非常的無聊,且不必要。曾經嘗過被情緒耗損空轉的感覺,深深認為可以儘快走出情緒就儘快走出來,否則事後身心都只感到空虛而已,像是經過一場浩劫,地面滿是焦土,時間精力就這樣花了下去,卻沒有一點實質的長進,還賠掉了工作或自我充實的進程,換來無限的沮喪。

我必須說我真的很佩服那些理性的人,因為我天生就不是那樣,是後天訓練成的。在情緒上面要冷靜下來真的是不容易,放任自己越扯越多當然是最不用腦筋的方法,有誰能夠天生就克制自己喊停呢?至少我不行。所以我常常要自救,要花很多力氣自救。整天馱著情緒的重擔,很累,而我知道唯一對付它的辦法就是工作,還有起身去做自己該做的事,例如家事等等。最近我的體悟和嘗試,就是不要虛度每一天。即便心裡再怎麼狂風暴雨,我每天該完成的事情還是要想辦法完成(雖然很難,真的很難,而且說老實話,我的工作負擔其實是很輕)。一點一點照著應有的步調往前走,一方面慢慢的轉移注意力,另一方面也不會事後回想起來認為自己很失敗,因為情緒而耽誤了正事(那就是雙重的打擊了)。這種自救,是我所能找到的最良性的方法。

還有我現在已經很了解自己有點好大喜功的個性,我的快樂和成就感幾乎是百分之百的正相關。雖然說這樣會導致我把自己弄得無謂的很勞碌,不過既然現在處在人生正要開展的階段,我想不如就善用這個個性,將自己推向可能的高峰吧。

我不曉得情緒管理是不是專屬於我的課題,不知道別人的狀況如何。我是希望,經由這樣一次又一次的練習,我慢慢的能夠變成一個腳步穩健的成功女性(呵呵呵)。然後我的民視性格........ 可能就拿去寫劇本吧,還是不要在現實生活中演出比較好一點。

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  • Aug 23 Wed 2006 02:34
我是很需要 me time 的一個人,不管再怎麼依賴誰,我都需要生活中有一大段時間,和一大片空間,是專屬於我自己的。

可是有人就是喜歡一直逼近那條線,一直要跨越那條線。很奇怪,真正和我要好的朋友都懂得給我空間了,他們是算什麼?憑什麼可以貼近我貼近到不顧我的感受?是什麼讓他們覺得和我很熟?

這種人,我覺得很自私。喜歡我,想要接近我,也只是把我當物品而已罷了,想要擄獲為己有,看著看著覺得自己可以得到這項戰利品真是厲害,充其量把我當成一個提高他們自信的工具而已。「嘿,她很酷,你們看看,我和她是同一掛的,所以我也很酷吧,你們應該也要崇拜我。」見鬼了,why should I ever serve such needs?

而偽裝令我感到最噁心。我自有欣賞的類型,他們可以喜歡我,我也可以不喜歡他們。沒有必要偽裝成一個不是自己的樣子,為了來得到我吧?這讓我直是感覺自己被貶低了,一方面被物化,另一方面被當成笨蛋以為他們偽裝我看不穿。我最討厭被貶低的感覺,最討厭。

這幾天因為關掉網誌的關係,心情變得清靜很多。正在恢復自己的安全感,因為我發現失去安全感的自己隨時都很惶恐不安,很不喜歡這種感覺。網誌公開,談論心情觀點,是我信任讀者。大家本著誠心來往,不要陰來陰去,把我寫的東西說的東西巨細靡遺的記下來,當作開啟的話題,當作偽裝的材料,當作接近我的戰略工具。我受不了,這和現實生活中的 stalker 根本沒什麼兩樣。

我覺得,人,真是一種很自私貪婪又虛偽的生物。他們可以為了一己之欲,戴著純朋友的面具,暗地裡抓住機會接近我,不顧我的感受。虛偽,令人噁心。

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  • Aug 13 Sun 2006 13:23
感情事常常令我心煩。

不管是有交往對象還是沒有。交往的時候煩心兩人關係品質如何,對方有沒有盡心盡力對我,重視我到什麼程度,認知與期待有沒有一致,誰付出得多,甜蜜和傷害要怎樣平衡,瞬息萬變的感受常令人措手不及。就算努力維持了,對方到底是不是那個「此生獨一無二」的心靈伴侶,也仍是個哲學層次無人能解的命題。

沒有交往對象的時候,因為人際關係常在無意間拓展,所以也常招致意料之外的桃花。這就更心煩了,常要判斷此人是否對我有意思,他說的話,做的事,看我的眼神,是不是正在等待我的回應。常常,躲開一個沒感覺的人,逃到另一個純朋友的身邊,不久之後卻赫然發現純朋友一點也不純,同樣的問題再次發生。不是說我要炫耀自己是萬人迷或者怎樣,而是這種處處是心機的感覺實在讓人覺得很恐怖,如此而已。

常在悠閒享受自己一個人的空間的時候被闖入,永不得休息。想得很多,看得很透徹,所以我知道對方也不是惡意,只是想要靠近我而已,況且他能夠認識我到什麼程度?不知道我是個需要空間的人,也是自然的。我是應該覺得很感謝,起碼是因為被欣賞所以才被接近。可是為什麼我覺得很耗神呢?我要耐著性子慢慢的或直接或間接告訴他們說我需要自己的空間,這中間免不了讓他們覺得受到傷害,而在此同時我也感到安全感被侵犯,雙方都不好受。

真的是個很難辦。

更有,常常我主動認識人,主動聊天,只是覺得認識人很不錯而已。況且大家站在一起,我總不可能小家子氣的只和我熟識的人哈啦吧?家庭教育告訴我這是不禮貌的,必須要盡量顧到在場的每一個人。

但是我發現男人顯然不是這樣想的。我的一舉一動都被解讀成我對他們好感的上升下降指標。

再者,一點點細微的小事,都被拿來當作感情觀的試探,要被拿進去「適合度」量表的計算裡面。就算我對他有好感,這樣的相處模式,壓力也未免太大了吧?

有一種男人,很害羞,害羞到我根本不知道他們喜歡我。據說這種男人的策略是「觀察她對我有沒有意思,再決定要不要出手」。

我一直覺得這種邏輯很奇怪。今天我身邊這麼多男生朋友,你沒讓我察覺你喜歡我,那是要我主動去注意到你,主動去追你嗎?明明就是你喜歡我在先啊。況且如果你在那裡畏縮,我怎麼可能往自己臉上貼金,想成「他喜歡我只是不好意思表示」?我當然會當成你不喜歡我啊!然後我另尋對象,害羞男又要在角落哀怨一番「唉,她都不理我......」好像是我很殘忍對不起他一樣。

真難搞。

另外我最受不了的其實是反覆的人。這也許不是他們的錯,只是我自尊心太強導致心很脆弱太重面子。我不是說初步好感就應該專一,畢竟這很強人所難,我自己也做不到。甚至初步曖昧也不需要專一,人總是可以多了解幾個異性,沒犯什麼法。

可是曖昧到一個程度,愈演愈烈的時候,這時你再來裝作沒什麼事告訴我說只是把我當普通朋友,那我就真的會想打人。至於怎樣曖昧算是初步,怎樣曖昧算是深入,這要看客觀環境而定。當大家都還是很禮貌的不做肢體接觸的時候,三番兩次很捨不得的跑來擁抱等等,難道這很尋常嗎?沒過幾天就風雲變色,把我當閨中密友討論愛上別的女人愛得要死的心情,是要我怎樣反應?變心者,偷偷變就好了,對我冷淡就是了,甚至稍微講一下當作表態就好了,何必一直挖我的想法感受呢?

簡直有一種「把我當什麼啊」的感覺。

總而言之,最近我覺得男人很煩心。感情之中放進太多複雜的東西實在很耗神。請別再說你們會害怕被拒絕或者怎樣所以才用迂迴的方法,我們女人其實沒有什麼義務和你們一起耗這些腦力。我始終覺得男人如果真的喜歡一個女人,應該是把訊息弄得越清楚越好,把事情弄得越簡單越好。畢竟你怎麼忍心萬一迂迴的話,她有可能不知道你喜歡她呢?喜歡的話就單刀直入的聊天互相了解,就勇敢的約出來啊。不要試探,不要暗示(好吧,要暗示的話也是可以啦,但是請弄得大膽一點明顯一點),不要玩遊戲,那都太累了,而且那些還不是只為了顧及你自己的自尊而已?你有替她想到玩試探的話,她很累嗎?做人不能這麼自私,尤其是對自己喜歡的人,讓對方開心順利都來不及了,哪還會忍心去考驗對方讓她猜猜猜呢?

況且,她又還不是你的女朋友或老婆,沒必要太早讓她開始照顧你的自尊吧。這是太過自我中心的想法和做法了。就算是,她也沒必要像照顧小孩一樣為了照顧你的自尊而多花心力啊。

好吧,我想我先寫到這裡好了。這是最近一些小桃花的感想,總之就是覺得非常的累啊。

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I thought I'd never like hip-hop.

I was wrong.

I'm in love with Black Eyed Peas.

(This song is actually not my favorite one in Monkey Business, but it's the only one I have an mp3 file. The rest are all in m4p's.)

**


What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I'm a get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps. (Check it out)

I drive these brothers crazy,
I do it on the daily,
They treat me really nicely,
They buy me all these ices.
Dolce & Gabbana,
Fendi and NaDonna
Karan, they be sharin'
All their money got me wearin' fly
But I ain't askin,
They say they love my ass ‘n,
Seven Jeans, True Religion's,
I say no, but they keep givin'
So I keep on takin'
And no I ain't taken
We can keep on datin'
I keep on demonstrating.

My love, my love, my love, my love
You love my lady lumps,
My hump, my hump, my hump,
My humps they got u,
She's got me spending.
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me and spending time on me.
She's got me spendin'.
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me, up on me, on me

What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I'm a get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
What u gon' do with all that ass?
All that ass inside them jeans?
I'm a make, make, make, make you scream
Make u scream, make you scream.
Cos of my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps. (Check it out)

I met a girl down at the disco.
She said hey, hey, hey yea let's go.
I could be your baby, you can be my honey
Let's spend time not money.
I mix your milk wit my cocoa puff,
Milky, milky cocoa,
Mix your milk with my cocoa puff, milky, milky riiiiiiight.

They say I'm really sexy,
The boys they wanna sex me.
They always standing next to me,
Always dancing next to me,
Tryin' a feel my hump, hump.
Lookin' at my lump, lump.
U can look but you can't touch it,
If you touch it I'm a start some drama,
You don't want no drama,
No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama
So don't pull on my hand boy,
You ain't my man, boy,
I'm just tryn'a dance boy,
And move my hump.

My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.
My lovely lady lumps (lumps)
My lovely lady lumps (lumps)
My lovely lady lumps (lumps)
In the back and in the front (lumps)
My lovin' got u,
She's got me spendin'.
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me and spending time on me.
She's got me spendin'.
(Oh) Spendin' all your money on me, up on me, on me.

What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I'm a get, get, get, get you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
What you gon' do with all that ass?
All that ass inside them jeans?
I'm a make, make, make, make you scream
Make you scream, make you scream.
What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I'm a get, get, get, get you drunk,
Get you love drunk off this hump.
What you gon' do with all that breast?
All that breast inside that shirt?
I'm a make, make, make, make you work
Make you work, work, make you work.

She's got me spendin'.
Spendin all your money on me and spendin' time on me
She's got me spendin'.
Spendin' all your money on me, up on me, on me.

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It's the beginning of the end of summer.

Friends came and left. I had a great time with them all. I feel that I've grown much more open minded than ever, feeling more comfortable hanging out with people.

Something inside me has transformed. I have been transformed, into someone I don't know.

Not special anymore, I feel like I'm just as ordinary as a person can be. With work, study, a degree to fight for, family, friends of all sorts, a regular boring life, money matters to be taken care of. All sorts of non-spiritual, non-artistic things in everyday life. And I'm suddenly finding other people facing more difficult lessons than mine.

I am lucky enough to stay in simple troubles. I'm striving to jump onto the next level. It will take an extra bit of effort that I might think I can't make. But I know I can. I just have to really wake up and fight. Face the fear.

What am I really afraid of? I know it's this intrinsic self worth stuff. I've come a long way, all the tears and near-breakdown moments proved to be priceless. Now's the time I make full use of the lessons I've learned. Time to show them what I'm made of. Time to stand up and reap whatever is there.

State of independence.

Yeah maybe I'm still a bit afraid. A lot of thoughts are running through my head, but none of them is conclusive in any sense. Once you realize how empty you are, the only thing you can do is to catch up.

No one near me, which is a good thing, otherwise I will be suffocating. I have a crazy thought that maybe long distance relationships are more suitable for me, for the fact that I don't feel comfortable when I become too close to anybody.

I don't know. Talking about relationships, this is a time I'm thinking I might start a new relationship (for a change of lifestyle), but at the same time feeling a bit annoyed with this crush and dating stuff.

I don't like the fact that people play mind games. I don't like people acting like they have a crush on me but later denied everything. I don't like those people who are not outspoken enough that I have to guess what they mean by what they do/say. I don't like people dropping difficult hints probing me about what I think/feel about them. Why don't they just ask? I'm not gonna eat them alive!

Well yeah I'm an impatient person. All the indirectness/shyness you do it when you're a teenager, not when you're hitting this age of 30! That's far too exhausting, given the limited time and energy we have, and given the maturity and confidence we're supposed to have.

Compatibility is so hard to define. And it's confusing at times whether people are wearing masks when they come along.

Oh, I'm being so disorganized. Maybe I should go have a drink and stop thinking........

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一直都有聽說 Fire Island 這個地方(似乎是很有名的 getaway 聖地,是長島南邊一條薄薄的小島,上面有很多海灘可以去),可是一直沒有去過。昨天終於和一小撮朋友去了 Fire Island 上的 Robert Moses State Park,感覺滿好的。海灘沒有過度商業化,一切都很簡單,只有海灘本身和熱狗店,還有租陽傘的窗口,加上淋浴間更衣室,就這樣。況且天氣很好,終於脫離了熱浪,海邊不是很熱,也有涼風。整個來說是相當愉快,在海灘上什麼都不做就很放鬆。下次想再找個海灘去玩玩(要添購些裝備就是啦)........

帶著新買的 UV filter 隨意照了一些照片,在這裡,用上濾鏡好像真的有差,不知道是不是我的心理作用。有一些很不錯的人像是稚偵照的。回來以後發現自己曬得全身紅紅的像隻蝦子,還滿有成就感的,哈哈。

yufenghsu 發表在 痞客邦 留言(5) 人氣()

  • Aug 02 Wed 2006 06:22
  • 自在

我可以很高興的說,最近我的心境很自在。

好像從洞穴裡面一步接一步的走了出來,認識新的朋友,哈拉,和舊的朋友也哈拉。整個心情就是輕快很多,不再那麼嚴肅。我已經很少很少感覺到像以前那麼嚴重的焦慮,偶爾壓力來的時候還是會小擔心一下,可是不太會過度自責,總是朝著解決問題的方向去想事情,並且不會因為一些小事情而情緒起伏。

可能是事情看多了,人生看多了,就變得穩了。某個核心部分變得獨立,不管發生什麼事情都要快樂,是用這樣的決心在面對生活。

也有可能是季節的關係。我是真的很喜歡夏天,喜歡這麼多的陽光,整個氣氛讓人覺得很開朗,怎樣都不夠。

我嘗試著改變,算是有點駕在浪頭上順勢學習的味道。一個情境來臨,我會運用它來測試自己,實驗看看做些改變會如何,過後稍微想想,作為反省思考。

認識新朋友方面,這次去研討會給了我很大的信心。也不知哪來的勇氣,竟然和一群素未謀面的歐洲人玩得很開心,滿足了我擴展新地平線的初步企圖。不知怎麼搞的我一點也不怕他們,反而是很怡然的在處理我們來自不同文化的這件事,抬頭挺胸的介紹自己的母國,以及愉悅的發現他們各自的家鄉習俗。每認識一個新的人我也試著採取主動,當然不是每一個人都會一開始就打開心防,可是只要我自己不把對方的反應看得太重,接受他們可能遇到主動的人會害怕的事實,也給他們喘息的空間,那麼通常往後都會有愉快的相處經驗。

我很喜歡自己能夠獨立的快樂,並且可以感染群體的這種感覺。我想我試著傳達出的訊息是:我很高興認識你們,但是我不想要這件事變成你們的負擔。我不會患得患失,就算是很高興認識你們,我也不會太過依賴你們重視或不重視我。

放開心去和人來往其實是一件感覺很美好的事。基於淺淺的交情,和一些好奇心,我會去替他們上台報告捧場。我試著向人群更接近一點,而這次對我來說算是很正面的經驗,所以我比較不會那麼害怕人群了。這個改變的主題就是主動,而我覺得我初步嚐到了甜頭。

至於旅行中發生的一些小小火花,我覺得人在那樣的情境之下本來就很容易擦出些什麼,所以也不以為意。重要的是必須對自己透徹的了解,不知道自己在做什麼的時候要「知道自己不知道自己在做什麼」,對於人心有一定的掌握就比較可以做出準確的判斷,也不會加以太過度的期待,所以對於變動會了然於心,調適得比較好。

雖然是押錯寶,可是我從中學到很多事情,也印證很多事情。沒有誰是真的罪大惡極,頂多是幼稚了點白痴了點。別看得那麼嚴肅,就可以一笑置之,然後把對方當作小孩子般繼續相處。

可以說是鄉愿,但是我倒寧可把它看作是自己心胸變得開闊光明的象徵,也是正面態度或負面態度的選擇,存乎一心。而這樣的心態一點也不勉強,一切都來得很自然。說利人不如說是利己,我畢竟是希望自己的心裡都充滿著正面的思維啊。

工作方面漸漸有穩定感,而這穩定感讓我看自己看得更清楚,突顯了我還有很多地方待加強。除了研究本身,還有許多其他的組織能力表達能力等等。原本我覺得有點惱人,好像是在做研究的本分上面又壓了這些負擔,感到有可能會無法負荷。可是後來想想,那我不妨就把這些訓練都一起攬上來吧,也許在增強其他能力的同時,本分的能力也無形中增強了。

所以我就比較能夠怡然的面對一些雜事,寫文件做報告等等,什麼事情來,就把它做到好,不要馬虎。這些事情看起來再怎麼無聊,都是學起來不會吃虧的技巧,而且現在不練好,以後一定還是會一直遇到類似的事情,那我何不趁現在多學多磨點?

生活上,我漸漸可以處理更多的事情了。朋友來訪,聊天遊玩,這些對以前的我來說都是無法負擔的,現在慢慢的可以扛起更多。我覺得我好像是人生暫停遁入深山一段時間之後又回到凡間,感觸很多,和幾年前相比真是不可同日而語。

內心的衝突也少了,多了些和平。我懂得不把自己的能量花在怒氣上面,盡量保持生活的簡單清爽,保持自己氣質的正面積極和樂觀。

不鑽牛角尖,該吃的時候就吃,該睡的時候就睡,多想無益的時候就不要再想下去。在所有大大小小的事情裡面發現樂趣和美麗。心情如果不好的話就悶個幾天,又會再次快樂。我用著重新找回的赤子之心在單純的活著,感覺很輕盈很坦然沒有負擔。

我很喜歡我現在的生活。

yufenghsu 發表在 痞客邦 留言(5) 人氣()