I wrote to my girl friend about the men I met.
I finally realized that a right relationship should make me laugh, instead of make everything seem correct. This is such a simple truth but it took me so long to figure out.
Did I always pick the wrong men? Perhaps. I used to date these so-called "well-educated" guys. Our backgrounds match very well, no matter it's the degree or talent or the sensitivity towards art, music, literature. However there was always something wrong.
I never knew what went wrong until I met someone who's open-minded and true.
One fatal thing about well-educated guys is that they worry too much about being good or bad, about being right or wrong. When they go after girls, they try everything they can to make a good impression. They polish their writing skills if this girl is a writer, learn instruments if this girl is a musician, study art or paintings if this girl is a painter. They "learn" how to be a good listener. By "learn" here I mean they learn how to shut up when girls talk their opinions, rather than listening with the heart. This subtle difference makes them totally defeated.
Also, perhaps because they are winners in the society, they tend to be judgemental.
They also learn how to treat the girl like she's the only thing in his eyes. In short, they are too focused on the "skills" of going after girls, rather than treating each other with the heart. What often happened was that once he got the girl, everything came back to normal, and this girl thinks, "What the hell, is this the same guy that I was going out with?"
I firmly believe that people should always be themselves. I am trying hard to behave that way. People are telling me to hide my negative sides so that I can attract more men. Frankly speaking, I don't believe that. Only by showing the real me can I attract the men who can take the real me.
This test has indeed filtered out some people that cannot take negative aspects of people and life. It has also filtered out people who think too much. These are men I won't take anyway, so I found the being-the-real-me test quite effective.
After all, if this guy thinks "Urgh, this girl is unhappy, I don't want that", would you take this guy? And these guys will never find the girl they're dreaming of. Who doesn't want a guy who thinks this way, "I see. She must have been hurt in some way so that she behaves like this"? That is what compassion means.
My past patterns were more on the right/wrong debates, instead of behaving from the heart and caring for each other. It was just too rational and cold and manipulative. I met this somebody and he talked to me whenever he wanted to, asked me out whenever he wanted to. I don't care if this is going to be lasting or not, but at least I feel he speaks everything from his heart. From that I saw myself, my caring and supportive nature. Why are we hiding ourselves when there's no need to hide? That's just ridiculous. I used to think it's ridiculous but I never knew if I were right, because I always met people with their doors shut. I kept questioning myself. Now I know there's nothing wrong with the way I interact with people. And it feels just great.
So I opened up and asked whether he needed support. I asked whether he was doing okay, whether he was frustrated by me. I asked him to call me and chat if he wanted to.
I have no idea what will happen next. I'm not even sure if this is a relationship or not, but I'm so happy when talking with him. This is exactly what I need right now. Even if he leaves me someday, the high energy will be engraved into my soul.
Meeting this person has made me see my bright side. This is something I've always wanted to see but never got a chance.
Yes, if people describe me, I am a smart and talented girl with a sensitive mind. I also think a lot and have my own feelings towards art, my own opinions towards the society. But on top of that, I finally realized now what I am looking for. I don't care if the guy is talented or not. It is totally okay if he doesn't know art/literature/society. These are plug-ins. If he holds such nature, these can be trained. All I'm asking for is to be true. To be direct and very honest with his feelings and with people. To be caring, supportive and compassionate. This is much more difficult to be learnt.
Jessie, last day before Dec 2004